- Check for safety. If your friend is contacting you during a crisis (such as a violent outrage or is currently being stalked or threatened), assess for danger. If the survivor is not safe, see if s/he can get to a safe place or offer to call the police for them.
- Do not try to convince him/her to leave. Although this advice has good intentions, it may only serve to further isolate the survivor from reaching out to their support system. Everything should be their own decision and at their own pace. Especially because, as the survivor knows very well, the time they are in most danger is when they leave.
- Validate, validate, validate.
- Inform them that violence escalates. “When one partner starts to use violence, we find that the violence tends to get worse. It may start out with slapping or shoving, but then it gets worse and may become punching and kicking. I am concerned for your safety because next time you might get hurt worse.”
- Explain the cycle of violence. “I’m hearing that about 3 months ago s/he shoved you and that s/he was really sorry about it afterwards, but lately you have started to feel some tension, and s/he slapped you. Is that right? Have you ever heard of the cycle of violence? Many people in abusive relationships have told me that they feel tension, like they are walking on eggshells, then their partner blows up and hits or yells at them, then the partner is really apologetic and promises never to do it again. But then, it all begins again: the tension, the explosion, and making up. It happens again and again, and the violence starts to get worse and worse. I am wondering if this sounds familiar because I am really concerned for your safety.”
- Explain the dangers of isolation in a battering relationship. “I am hearing that you are sad because you no longer see much of your friends and family, and that you recently quit your job to please your partner. In relationships where one partner seems to need a lot of control, we find that the other person begins to get cut off from other people who are their support system. This can be very scary because when you need help, you may feel that there is no one there to help you.” When the victim is isolated, s/he becomes increasingly dependent on the perpetrator, not only for survival and basic bodily needs, but also for information and even for emotional sustenance. The more frightened s/he is, the more s/he is tempted to cling to the one relationship that is permitted: the relationship with the perpetrator. Inevitably, in the absence of any other point of view, the victim will come to see the world through the eyes of the perpetrator. Some helpful solutions include: group counseling, getting a job or volunteering, or take an athletic or self-defense class
- Safety planning. Not all victims of DV will leave their abuser. This may frustrate their loved ones, but we must respect their decisions. There are, however, steps to go over with them to keep themselves and their children as safe as possible. Some examples are: Stay out of the kitchen and garage where objects like knives and tools can become weapons; stay out of bathrooms, closets, or small spaces where the abuser can trap you; go to rooms with locks, exits, or phones; teach children to call 911 immediately for help; get medical attention immediately if injuries occur. They may not realize they have injuries; bruises can take a couple days to show. If the survivor is pregnant, it is imperative they seek attention immediately. Request that pictures be taken of the bruises or injuries for documentation. The survivor should keep pictures and copies of police reports. They may not want to leave at this time, but should keep it for later on if they change their mind. Medical personnel are mandated reporters of domestic violence. If the victim goes to the hospital and explains how they received their injuries, the medical staff will report the incident to police.
- If the victim chooses to leave, they must have a plan of action. They should begin separating themselves from the abuser by getting a separate bank account, obtaining a Restraining Order and packing a bag in case they need to leave quickly. Having an escape route will prepare them for the moment they leave. They must know where they are going (to a shelter or to a friend for family member’s home) and how they will get there. If the abuser leaves the house, they should change the locks, get a new private phone number, and inform neighbors to call the police if abuser comes to the house. There are important items the survivor will need to take with them, which can include: Driver’s License, Passport, birth certificates, Social security cards, green cards, immigration papers, immunization records and medications, marriage or divorce papers, insurance documents, restraining order, rental agreement or mortgage papers, checkbook, cash, credit, or ATM cards, spare clothes, car keys, personal items, toys for children, sentimental items, jewelry, address book and phone book
- After survivors have left the home, there are again more things they must consider to keep themselves and their children save. They should change their regular travel habits or carpool with someone from work. They must always keep the restraining order on hand, and keep a cell phone to call 911 in emergencies. If survivors feel comfortable, enlisting survivors at work can help keep the abuser from finding them, or coming to the work site. Travel in groups, go to lunch with coworkers, or ask them to walk you to your car. The children’s school must be made aware of the situation, or they may release the children to the abuser. Inform them not to give your address to anyone if you have left the home. Look into a confidential mailbox. Relying on a strong support system is very beneficial at this time. The most dangerous time for victims is when they decide to leave. Their safety is the number one priority.