- Always keep your cell phone charged and with you. Do not hesitate to call 911 when you are in immediate crisis or danger
- When there is a fight, stay away from the kitchen and garage where objects like knives and tools can become weapons
- Stay away from bathrooms, closets, or small spaces where the abuser can trap you. Instead, go to rooms with locks, doors, windows, or phones
- If you have children, teach them to call 911 for help when you or they are in danger
- Get medical attention immediately if injuries occur. At first, you may not realize that you have injuries, as bruises can take a couple days to show. If you are pregnant, it is imperative that you seek attention immediately. Request that pictures be taken of the bruises or injuries for documentation. It is helpful to keep pictures and copies of police reports. You may not want to leave at this time, but you should keep it for later on if you change your mind and would like to file for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order for your safety. Medical personnel are mandated reporters of domestic violence. If you go to the hospital and explain how you received your injuries, the medical staff will report the incident to police
- If you choose to leave, you must have a plan of action. You should begin separating yourself from the abuser by getting a separate bank account, obtaining a Restraining Order and packing an emergency bag full of important belongings in case you need to leave quickly
- There are important items you will need to take with them, which can include: Driver’s License, Passport, birth certificates, Social security cards, green cards, immigration papers, immunization records, medical documents and medications, marriage or divorce papers, insurance documents, restraining order, car registration and title, rental agreement or mortgage papers, checkbook, legal and medical documents regarding your children, school records, cash, credit, or ATM cards, spare clothes for you and your children, car keys, personal items, toys for children, sentimental items, jewelry, address book and phone book. The point of this bag is to leave at a friend or neighbor’s house that you can take with you whenever you are in danger and want to flee your house or your partner. You can leave an extra set of car and house keys outside
- Having an escape route will prepare you for the moment you leave. You must know where you are going (to a shelter or to a friend for family member’s home) and how you will get there. Look into getting traveler's aid if you need to flee your city, as there may be programs close to you that offer traveler's aid to victims of violence. If the abuser leaves the house, you should change the locks, get a new private phone number, and inform neighbors to call the police if abuser comes to the house
- After you have left the home, there are again more things you must consider to keep yourself and your children save. You should change your regular travel habits or carpool with someone from work. You must always keep the restraining order on hand, and keep a cell phone to call 911 in emergencies. Travel in groups, go to lunch with coworkers, or ask them to walk you to your car. The children’s school must be made aware of the situation, or they may release the children to the abuser. Inform them not to give your address to anyone if you have left the home. Look into a confidential mailbox. Relying on a strong support system is very beneficial at this time. The most dangerous time for victims is when they decide to leave. Your safety is the number one priority.
- Establish a code between you and your loved one that you both can use to communicate with when they are in danger. For example, you can text someone the number 5, which you can use as a code for you to call 911 on their behalf because they are in danger and cannot make a phone call. Or, you can use the Circle of 6 phone app, in which at any time, you can conveniently alert six friends to call you or pick you up when you are in an unsafe situation
- Save some cash with a friend for if you ever plan to run away. The reason behind this is, the instance that a survivor leaves, the perpetrator can trace their location through their credit card, so you would need to avoid using your credit card, or have a bank account in your name only.
- Lastly, add the National Domestic Violence Hotline number to your list of emergency phone numbers. You can call this hotline whenever they wish to speak to an advocate for support, assistance, information, or resources. The number is 1 (800) 799-7233 (800-799-SAFE). Please note that this hotline, and the sexual assault hotline, is also included in the Circle of 6 phone app.
Not all victims of domestic violence will leave their abuser. This may frustrate their loved ones, but we must respect their decisions. There are, however, steps to go over with them to keep themselves and their children as safe as possible. Some examples include the following:
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Here is the link for the original article, written by Tracy Wharton, M.Ed., MFT. According to the article,
"Secondary trauma syndrome (STS) is the reaction to dealing with other people’s situations ... Burnout is related to the job environments in which we work, and the stresses attached to those jobs and requirements, like paperwork or poor supervision or support. When burnout and STS are both present, an individual is said to be experiencing compassion fatigue (CF)." In other words, secondary trauma is the stress one experiences when engaging in emotionally upsetting situations such as helping traumatized survivors. Signs of secondary trauma include withdrawal, sadness, anger, sensitivity to violence, psychosomatic illness, intrusive imagery, sleep difficulties, and detachment. Burnout is the emotional, mental, and physical feeling of disillusionment, helplessness, and exhaustion caused by long-term, overwhelming stress. When you are feeling burned out, it is difficult to find the energy to care about your work and your personal life. You may feel like there is no point to what you are doing, because it won't be appreciated or make any difference. Signs of burnout include cynicism, chronic fatigue, anxiety, irritability, depersonalization of clients, negative self concept, low productivity, substance abuse, withdrawal, psychosomatic illness, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, deterioration of interpersonal relationships, and loss of concern and feelings for clients. Everyone who engages empathically with suffering or traumatized individuals are at risk for secondary trauma, burnout, and/or compassion fatigue. As Wharton states in her article, "About 48% of the total social work workforce in the United States experiences high levels of personal distress as a result of their work (Strozier & Evans, 1998)." This is because one who empathizes with another is effectively allowing themselves to internalize another's pain in order to fully understand what they are going through. Furthermore, people who choose to help others in this capacity tend to have their own histories of pain, trauma, and abuse, which poses an additional risk for compassion fatigue. This information implies that caregivers may be especially vulnerable, due to the possibility of retraumatization, or poor boundaries in wanting to go the extra mile in giving others the help they wish they had received themselves. The best way to combat this vulnerability is by prevention. Recognizing the signs of burnout, secondary trauma, and compassion fatigue is critical to giving quality care to others, as well as taking care of yourself. When you are in the helping profession or simply enjoy being emotionally supportive of others, self-care is always the number one priority. Think of the airplane oxygen mask rule. Before you can help someone else, you need to take take care of yourself first. If you think this is selfish, remember that if you neglect to fulfill your personal needs, you cannot continue to give care to others for too long, and hence, you may burn out from your role as a caregiver. One important aspect of trauma that was not mentioned in the article is the antithesis of compassion fatigue, self-care. Self-care is the practice of activities and beliefs that contribute to one's health and overall well-being. Self-care is both the preventative measure and necessary treatment of compassion fatigue. Best of all, self-care can take the form of any healthy and pleasurable activity imaginable. Examples of self-care practices include, and are not limited to, eating healthily, exercising, meditating, exploring your spirituality, dancing, taking vacations, making art, taking "you" time, spending time with friends, going on dates, re-watching favorite movies, and reading. As you start to work with survivors of trauma, self-care must become a habit integrated into your daily lifestyle. The more straining your work becomes, the more self-care you must practice. In addition to self-care, some preventative steps to lower your risk for compassion fatigue include:
Sexual consent is generally defined as the, "Positive, unambiguous, and voluntary agreement between participants to engage in a specific sexual activity during a sexual encounter." Sexual assault occurs in the absence of sexual consent. Examples of sexual assault include: voyeurism; exhibitionism; inappropriate touching; unwanted vaginal, anal, or oral penetration; rape; attempted rape; child molestation. The concept of consent can be rather confusing to some. Because of the ambiguous nature of consent, there can be much room for subjective interpretation. In this blog post, I will clarify the ambiguity of consent by framing some of the more commonly known sexual offenses from a legal standpoint. Although I will be referencing the laws of my home state, California, please take the time to review your state laws on sexual misconduct, as they typically vary by region.
Age: The age of consent is the age at which a person is considered to be legally competent to consent to sexual acts. Please note that the age of consent in the state of California is 18. According to CA Penal Code §265: "Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is not more than three years older or three years younger than the perpetrator, is guilty of a misdemeanor. Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is more than three years younger than the perpetrator is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony. Any person 21 years of age or older who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is under 16 years of age is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony." Additional California laws on sexual misconduct include: "Any person who commits any of the following acts upon a child who is under 14 years of age and seven or more years younger than the person is guilty of aggravated sexual assault of a child," (CA Penal Code §269), various laws on committing sodomy with minors (CA Penal Code §286), "Any person who willfully and lewdly commits any lewd or lascivious act ... upon or with the body, or any part or member thereof, of a child who is under the age of 14 years, with the intent of arousing, appealing to, or gratifying the lust, passions, or sexual desires of that person or the child, is guilty of a felony and shall be punished by imprisonment in state prison for 3, 6, or 8 years," (CA Penal Code §288) Drugs and Alcohol: A person who is asleep or mentally or physically incapacitated, either through the effect of drugs or alcohol or for any other reason, is not capable of giving valid consent. According to California Penal Code §261: "Rape is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a person not the spouse of the perpetrator, under any of the following circumstances: Where a person is prevented from resisting by any intoxicating or anesthetic substance, or any controlled substance, and this condition was known, or reasonably should have been known by the accused; Where a person is at the time unconscious of the nature of the act, and this is known to the accused." Intimate Partner Violence: It is important to note that consent is not automatically granted because of prior consensual acts, and a relationship between partners, such as a marriage or formal dating relationship, does not imply ongoing consent for every sexual contact. According to California Penal Code §262: "Rape of a person who is the spouse of the perpetrator is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished under any of the following circumstances: Where it is accomplished against a person's will by means of force, violence, duress, menace, or fear of immediate and unlawful bodily injury on the person or another. Where a person is prevented from resisting by any intoxicating or anesthetic substance Where a person was unconscious or asleep. Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant that the act occurred. Where the act is accomplished by threatening to retaliate in the future against the victim." When someone has a pattern or history of trauma in their lives, such as individuals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, it is important to recognize that their baseline levels of stress are much higher than that of people who have not been in traumatic situations. It is very common for a person who has a high baseline level of stress to easily escalate to a state of agitation. When the person is escalated, they are in fight-or-flight mode, which makes them much more likely to have a crisis situation that involves unsafe behaviors such as verbal and/or physical aggression. Therefore, when interacting with people who are escalated, or in "crisis mode," one must know how to respond in order to prevent a dangerous incident from occurring.
Avoid:
If you haven't yet, please watch this video fully. These situations capture what we do (or don't do) that can sometimes make the biggest impact in a person's life.
Some of the intervention techniques used in this video: ▪ Distraction: Utilize creative options to distract the people involved to de-escalate the situation. This may involve humor or appealing to other interests of the people involved. Try telling the person you need to talk him. ▪ Be with others: Get other people involved to help the person in trouble, and to gather strength in numbers. ▪ Split: Step in and separate the two people. Voice your concerns. Let them know you're acting in their best interest. ▪ Friends: Find the person's friends and get them to intervene. Additional bystander intervention techniques to use with a friend, partner, relative, or stranger:
Domestic violence can have powerful and lasting effects on children, even if they are not directly involved in the violence. Family violence creates a home environment that is chaotic, stressful, and unsafe. A little unknown fact is that children who witness domestic violence are just as negatively impacted as children who experience the physical abuse for themselves. The physical effects of domestic violence on children include: sleep and eating disturbances, toileting issues, frequent illness, fatigue, headaches, stomach upset, self harm, injury, sexual abuse, and death.
The emotional effects of domestic violence on children include: constant anxiety, emotional numbness, low self-esteem, depression, codependency, self-blame, shame, fearfulness, and general distrust. The behavioral effects of domestic violence on children include: poor boundaries, temper tantrums, poor impulse control, aggression, withdrawal, perfectionism, delinquency, lying, and violent behavior. Thus, children who witness domestic violence are at an increased risk for maladaptation. Furthermore, it is very important to advocate on behalf of children in domestic abuse situations in order to interrupt the negative spiral of maladaptation, as long-term consequences of childhood exposure to domestic violence are dire. For instance, adult men who as children were exposed to their parents' domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents. Additionally, people who had been exposed to domestic violence are more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs and alcohol, run away from home, engage in teenage prostitution, and commit sexual assault crimes. Children have the right to a safe home and a safe family. They deserve to be listened to, believed in, validated, and told that whatever has happened to them was never their fault. Children crave structure and consistency in the midst of a chaotic upbringing; they need dependable adults in their lives who do not flake on them. Children want support and security from safe adults; they need to know that they can still have trust in others. Please support these children by finally letting them break the silence and speak about their experiences. Do not minimize or dismiss what they have gone through, but rather, let them know that you recognize their fears and troubles, even though they may not be the direct targets of abuse. Show them that you care about them and their safety by asking them if they are okay. This will let the child know that their feelings and their needs are just as important as the feelings and needs of their parents. This knowledge is especially valuable for them to have, if they have been parentified by their abused parent. Please remember, you do not have to be an official advocate to stick up for children and their safety. Anyone can speak up on behalf of a child's protection and well-being. Anyone can report a serious case to Child Welfare Services. Anyone can simply touch base with a child to make sure that they are all right. It can make all the difference in the world for a child to hear from someone else, "It's not your fault. You did not deserve this. What happened to you was not okay. This must feel very scary for you. How you feel is important; I will listen to you." Use your voice to empower children. For more information on how to help children who have experienced domestic violence, please refer to this online guide. |